Craving Community – A Declaration of Interdependence

Jim Pelgrift

Recently, I have experienced something of an epiphany concerning the value of flourishing communities in our ongoing search for happiness and fulfillment. My interest in this concept was initially piqued when, not long ago, my wife Sara and I traveled to Palo Alto to attend a wedding of the daughter of a fellow GSB ’85 alumnus. In the relative calm and quiet of the “morning-after brunch,” we struck up a conversation with a dozen or so classmates who were in attendance. I was startled at how similar the ”stories” were that emanated from each one of us. Virtually every person expressed a yearning for the kind of connection we had experienced at the GSB so many years ago. Few spoke of money or careers or possessions, and few regaled us with the merits of their children, now pursuing their own money, careers, and possessions. The discussions concerning our collective search for meaning in our lives were focused on the healthy interpersonal connections that are the building blocks of any flourishing community. Though it had been nearly three and a half decades since our shared activities at Stanford, something about the quality of that mutual experience allowed us to pick up our rapport where it left off. “You haven’t changed a bit” was heard frequently and sincerely, and the potential awkwardness of long-ago relationships was noticeably absent.

Upon our return to Connecticut I tried out these ideas with a handful of close friends and fellow Baby Boomers. I was met with hearty enthusiasm, even to the point of suggestions that we might create a communal living alternative for good friends to enjoy sharing a residential community, aka a commune!

Last Christmas Eve Sara and I decided to try out the evening service at a tiny church in our neighborhood that we had passed by countless times but had never visited. When the Pastor spoke that evening of the church becoming a “small but mighty” force for helping our town and others nearby to become flourishing communities, I was hooked. I have since joined a core team of both church members and non-members to map out a strategy for this process, and to mobilize like-minded people to join the effort over time.

Just recently, at our Class of 1985 “Preunion” Zoom session, the prior post-wedding phenomenon occurred once more – there was a clear sense of affinity to one another and to the place where our connections were formed and fortified. Once again it felt as if no time had passed since we were together at the GSB for just two short years.

These various experiences have provided me with much food for contemplation regarding the role that community plays in people’s lives.

The word “community” comes down to us from the Latin communis, meaning “common.” In modern parlance, it can refer to many different groups of more than one person, who share a common location, objective, value-set, allegiance, affection, and/or affiliation. An incomplete list of community types includes family, school, church, club, neighborhood, town, country, employer, co-workers, friends and acquaintances, and ultimately our shared planet Earth. Every one of us belongs from birth to death to a unique and changing set of such communities.

The COVID-19 pandemic has had a devastating effect on even the most stable of communities. Many communities, however, have taken creative approaches to the quarantine lifestyle that has been imposed on us to maintain connection among members. The ubiquitous Zoom meeting is now a staple for personal and professional communication. Young people are now organizing to collect farm products that had been going to waste and packing and delivering them to folks who would otherwise go hungry. A small but meaningful gesture is the ringing of bells and drumming on pots each day to thank and encourage the brave health care providers who are dealing with COVID-19 patients. All of these examples and countless others demonstrate that the spirit of community is alive and well despite the carnage of the coronavirus.

While communities are a common element of our lives, truly flourishing communities are rather uncommon. To flourish is to thrive – to grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way. We can all feel grateful for the flourishing communities we have enjoyed over time. For me, these have included my marriage and family, certain athletic teams, my high school, my employer of 25 years, my new church, and the Stanford GSB. I do feel very fortunate to have been a part of so many healthy communities.

What makes a community flourish, and how can we recognize such a community? If we are now or later seeking to join a healthy community, how can we recognize one? The first feature is a set of clear guiding principles that underpins all the flourishing community is and does. It is fundamentally about loving connections among members, about compassion, generosity, and kindness, as well as a genuine spirit of inclusiveness. Flourishing communities will often have a spiritual relationship with the earth and its nature, frequently expressed through the arts and music. Finally, flourishing communities are not satisfied with the status quo, but are consistently seeking innovative new solutions to old challenges and exploring how old solutions can be found for new challenges.

The importance and difficulty of finding and joining flourishing communities cannot be over stressed. In a nation founded by a Declaration of Independence and once characterized by the rugged individualist, we are now in need of a changed paradigm, defined instead by a “declaration of interdependence.” Our nation suffers from an epidemic of loneliness. A noted 2018 survey of 20,000 U.S. adults found that only about half of respondents had meaningful, in-person, daily social interactions. Further, around one in five reported that they rarely or never feel close to people or feel that there are people they can talk to. These findings are not trivial, as loneliness can have a profound effect on overall medical and mental health.

Loneliness is pernicious, as it does not necessarily mean living alone, nor does living alone define loneliness. Rather, it is among other things, a feeling of not belonging to communities or belonging only to dysfunctional communities. Loneliness can be battled by working toward constructive contributions to one’s communities. This assumes that of all our many varied communities, we can identify those that are truly flourishing

A flourishing community can be recognized by the traits and principles at its very core and in contrast with a community that is withering instead. Below is an (unscientific) list of the characteristics often exhibited by a flourishing community with their opposite characteristics to the right.

No human being is perfect, nor is any community. The contrasting characteristics above, however, may be used to choose among various communities we consider joining. They can also be used as a guide or road map for motivating change toward flourishing in a community we are a part of.

We Baby Boomers, in retirement or close to it, face a crisis of community. Unlike previous generations we can expect to live twenty years or more beyond our retirement date. As we seek out the benefits of community, we find many of the affiliations we have known in our lives are now gone or are much diminished. Community ties related to career have dwindled or disappeared, our children are grown and building or joining their own communities, our parents have passed, other family connections and friendships have narrowed. This helps to explain the craving for community I have noticed in our classmates’ conversations. The memories of relationships sharing many of the attributes in the left-hand column bring a yearning to recreate the sense of community we enjoyed so long ago.

As we go through life our natural communities change, and we must adapt to new ones again and again. As children, our communities consist of parents, family, friends, school, and “extracurriculars.” As adults we are affiliated with communities surrounding our own children’s activities as well as our careers and social networks. Hence, there is often a sense of loss when we retire, and the former community connections are no longer so much a part of our lives.

The adjectives listed above can also be useful in the process of catalyzing positive change to existing communities in which we are active members. Whereas our influence over career, family, and friendships may have dwindled, there are numerous opportunities to gain such influence in local government, non-profits, schools, churches, and other agents of positive change.

This short essay can only be a summary of the huge topic of community, but I hope it can offer an incentive to take the time to ponder a number of questions that may help us to join and/or create flourishing communities in our lives. These questions include: what are the most important communities in your life today? What communities would you be interested in joining now and in the future? What holds you back from connecting with these communities? Are these communities flourishing? In what ways? Are they withering? In what ways? How might you serve to make your communities flourish to a greater extent? Are you often lonely? Sometimes lonely? If so, how might membership in certain communities help to alleviate loneliness? What are the possibilities for new kinds of communities in the post-COVID-19 environment?

I hope that contemplating these questions will help you understand the value of the communities in your life today and those you wish for in the future. I hope it will provide a framework for understanding the positive attributes that help communities flourish and those attributes to avoid. I hope it will offer an incentive to reach out to join new flourishing communities to help offset any loneliness you may feel. In sum, belonging to healthy, flourishing communities is a critical element in the happiness and fulfillment we all seek in our lives. Perhaps, this can be a starting point for a new Declaration of Interdependence in our connected and flourishing lives.