The 15 Seconds That Changed My Life Forever

Well, there were actually three moments of five seconds each, when time stood still and I entered another dimension, only to have my life forever changed.

The first 5 second moment…

I had just hit the large stump in the sandy trail going about 50 mph which launched me from the Husqvarna 450 Motocross bike, hurtling me 50 feet through the air…whooshing…whooshing…then SMASH, face first into a sand dune, followed by a loud crunching sound…

“There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
Albert Einstein

Upon impact, I was convinced I had broken my neck. I was right. So, I was surprised when I could move my toes as I lay there covered in dirt. Surprisingly, I seemed to heal with no repercussions, feeding into my belief that I was unbreakable. Then several months later, suddenly I was in the hospital in unbearable pain, only to find out that I had flattened most of the discs in my neck and fractured a few vertebrae; my spinal cord was being compressed by bulging discs. I spent the next three months on my back in bed 24 hours a day, only getting up to use the bathroom. My neck surgeon told me that I stood significant risk of becoming a quadriplegic due to the precarious position of my spinal cord. The slightest slip and fall (much less than that suffered during a fall common on a snowboard or mountain bike) could rupture my impinged spiral cord, rendering me completely paralyzed. The choice was clear: immediately give up all the sports that I had come to love over the prior decades: cycling, snowboarding, tennis, running, kayaking, surfing, golf, everything. Surprisingly, up to that point in time, I hadn’t realized how much I defined myself through and by my physicality. I projected an energy that said, “I am tough,” “I can handle it.” This projection of strength, I came to realize, was a byproduct of having felt powerless as a child. Now, with this identity stripped away, who was I? Then, at 40 years old, I needed a new identity, a new way of seeing myself, others and the world. It was the miracle I needed.

The second 5 second moment…

I was at a huge party in San Francisco with a buddy. At one point, I turned my head to glance across the room filled with hundreds of people and saw her, as if she was the only person in the room. My heart stopped, I was breathless, who is THAT?! With a fear-drenched heart, I crossed the room to find out…

Every man loves two women;
the one is the creation of his imagination
and the other is not yet born.
Kahlil Gibran

Like so many things in life, this isn’t a simple or tidy story of how I met my wife. Honestly, she seemed unimpressed, even uninterested, that evening as we talked for 10 minutes before she left the party. I, however, was marked for life. Everything seemed to fit. This was the woman that I wanted to marry. I never had this experience before in my 45 years. I pursued her for the next 5 years, only to experience several more dismissals, until finally she gave me a chance. And that chance was all that I needed. And now, after 11 years of marriage and two wonderful boys, I am still discovering who I actually fell in love with.

The third 5 second moment…

After months of false contractions and dreadful fear of premature birth, I now stood by my wife’s bed in the hospital delivery room, exhausted, anxious and terrified, awaiting the birth of our first son…then he appeared. Time stopped. A miracle had just happened in front of me. The nurse handed our son to me and suddenly and inexplicably I was holding my own heart in my hands…

You are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.
e e cummings

At 52, I had nearly given up on the prospect of having my own children. Now, God had decided otherwise. Nothing I had done before prepared me for what was to follow. The early years were brutal with many dark moments wondering about my first son’s uncertain medical condition, would he live a “normal” life? I would have given my life to guarantee an easier path for him. But that wasn’t an option. I had to go through the crucible of this experience, having to learn patience, hope and faith in a bone deep way, for the first time. I was starting a lifelong process of loving another in a way I never experienced or fathomed before this (over the coming years, his condition was largely resolved, yet another miracle). And then our second son was born 18 months later. Two halves of my heart; same love and vulnerability. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t realize what a gift our boys are and how lucky I am. They are the center of my universe. And the blossoming continues every day.

We shall not cease from exploration,
and the end of all our exploring
will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time.
T. S. Eliot