Gratitude

Ray Villareal

I am writing this at the dining table of my 91-year-old mother-in-law in Durango, Colorado. She is across the hall, nearly motionless in bed and surrounded by family waiting for the surrender of her body to old age and pancreatic cancer. Last evening there were family visits and a mind still sharp enough to enjoy family banter and gently delivered “pre-goodbyes.” This morning brought a 6 a.m. stroke and now the essence of her is gone. She is the last of our parents and the knowledge that Kelly and I are now the eldest in our direct family feels overwhelming. One would think that the experience of having gone through this three times prior would have prepared me – for the raw emotions, the tears, and the undeniable stress – but I feel just as unsettled as I did twenty five years ago and perhaps even more. Wounded, a little broken and unbearably sad for the extended family and especially for Kelly and our daughters. Combined with a global pandemic, a nation struggling with racial injustice, a moribund economy and other challenges my thoughts, oddly enough, keep returning to gratitude.

My parents both died early from health issues that were their companions for many years, defined by unpronounceable medical terms but we know them as “cancer” and “kidney failure.” I miss my parents and think of them now in waves, usually triggered by the smallest events or random thoughts rather than daily musings. Perhaps this is the effect of time, to have memories arrive at the most unplanned moments. As parents we are reminded that it is our responsibility to share events and memories and so we do to the best of our abilities. Some are so easy, such as the first time I held our older daughter Carly while walking from the delivery room to the nursery in Stanford hospital, trying to hold her head properly and secretly wondering why the nurse would trust me with such an important task. An equally lasting memory is the final gift I could offer to each of my parents, to be there with them as they left this life, holding a hand and softly telling them goodbye as best I could. This was my version of the same experience Kelly had with her mother this year, and many of us are now experiencing. For these moments, and the ability to share them, I am grateful.

The concept of “win-win” has been an on-going discussion topic, popping up in the most random situations. Basically, the question is whether it is possible to have a true “win-win” or must someone always lose, at least a little? For the first thirty-five years of my life I could not answer, even hypothetically, and it was not clear whether I would ever discover a good attempt. Through great fortune and significant emotional effort, we now as a family have our version of the truth. We are living the ultimate “win-win-win” scenario, the adoption of our younger daughter into our family. Looking back, despite all the stress and seemingly endless process, clear winners emerge. A child, given to a family that loved and wanted her before they even knew her. Birth parents, unable to be together or care for a new life but offering an infant a better situation. And we the adoptive parents, unable to have a second child without the sacrifice of others. Twenty-one years later I am convinced – three winners, no losers, the perfect “win-win-win”. For this, I am eternally grateful.

As one of the 10% of our business school class (sadly, not the Arjay Miller 10%) who were also undergraduates at Stanford, I recognize how fortunate we were to spend so many years in Palo Alto. Even though the memories have faded, and in some cases selectively edited, I will always appreciate the opportunities and experiences offered to each of us. For me, the best part of the Stanford experience has come after our time together. The friendships created all those years ago are an essential part of the arc of our family and my life. Upon reflection, the relationships from business school are the strongest. Shared life experiences (births, marriages, health issues…), family-based vacation travel, out-of-the blue phone calls or texts are all built on the foundation of the time we shared years ago. Does anyone else notice that one can pick up conversations seamlessly after months or years without contact? Reviewing the class list reminds me of how many people I only know by name, or not at all, and suspect my regret in not being more engaged when I had the chance is shared by many of us. For those who are part of my life I appreciate your companionship and friendship more than I can express. I am grateful that each of you are in my life.

And now for the true confession…I started this note several times, with several different themes all of which I thought would be fun to share. In my mind, each contribution was well-written, a bit quirky or funny, and a quick read. Like so many of us, however, the life we live seems to intrude at the most inopportune times. This short essay has hung in the back of my consciousness for weeks, never quite a priority and never as well done as I felt it should be. This brings me to the final reminder of gratitude, an important lesson learned in school, in business and in life. For all essays, tasks, projects, apologies, speeches, and other important activities with a deadline – if you put the task off until the last day, it only takes a day to complete! So, with only one day left to submit something I offer these scribbles, in gratitude for the opportunity to share thoughts and stay connected.